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Mar. 4th, 2009

I love Amanda. AND... I promise that when I leave i will call her/text her allll the time and i wont forget sbout her and when shes in the hospital i will come and visit her before she croaks. :)            .....typed by amanda.

i never thought i would come back here. so now that ive been living in this place again for almost a year it doesnt feel right. im done with holyoke. ive had my fill. i want to move on. but its not always that easy when i have some very important things keeping me here. like my best friend. i cant inagine leaving her. i wish she would come with me but i know that she wont. i want to leave. so much. but i dont want to leave her.
last night i dreamed that i (along with some family and friends) was being chased around a house by a raging long horned bull. hmm....

its been a while since i updated.
ill add more later.


i do not like alcohol right now.
it fucks things up.


no, no. PEOPLE fuck things up.



I just bought these hunter green ones.
Its such a great cause and it makes me feel good knowing
that I gave a child in need a new pair of shoes.

However, it doesnt make me feel good knowing that if I
continue spending the way I have been,
I am going to be very poor, very soon.

I need to learn some self control.

"contribute only to ones own death"

-a love song for bobby long.


i dont seem to have the nack for expressing the right level of enthusiasm for peoples birthdays. thats probably because i hardly even celebrate my own. mandas brithday was yesterday and i didnt even give her a card yet.  =/
i was pretty sullen for most of the day. im not really the best person to celebrate with. i dont know what im supposed to do in those situations. im a little socially retarded (god i hate that word) sometimes.
i hope she enjoyed her day at least a little.


....random things about me.

1. ive only had a handful of music classes so far, but im already in love with it. i cant wait to start writing music of my own.
2. i talk to my self pretty often. well, not exactly to my self. i guess it could be more accurately described as "daydreaming out loud".
3. two of my favorite songs ever "girl with the flaxen hair" and "claire de lune"  by claude debussy.
4. another is "blackbird" by the beatles.
5. i want to be an actress and make a lot of money, but i do not want to be famous.
6. i think i would have a panic attack if i was recognized everywhere i went.
7. if that doesnt work out, ive decided im going to become proficient at guitar and piano and travel around the country planning music in pubs, living out of a van.
8. im incredibly fickle so ill probably change my mind about many of these at some point.
9. likewise, i contradict myself a lot.
10. i am finally becoming much comfortable with myself and gaining more confidence. i credit my acting class for a lot of that. but not all.
11. i would much rather stay home and read than go to a party and drink. i dont like crowds and excessive noise (unless its a show/concert or my own music blaring).
12. however, i dont mind going to a pub/bar every now and then. just to sit and talk and have a good time with a small group of friends.
13. when i turn 21 in about 9 weeks, i am NOT going to get shitfaced. in fact ill probably just have a relaxing night with a few friends.
14. i hate dating. i dont do it. i want to be wooed/courted. like it used to be.
15. i am incredibly self-indulgent. and i dont care.
16. i do my best to be selfless rather than selfish though.
17. i am strangely curious about a lot of very odd and sometimes destructive things. (for example, what it feels like to be high, or what the appeal of cigarettes are.) which i think is part of the reason i want to be an actress-so i can walk in someone elses shoes and see what its like to live different kinds of lives.
18. i am actually surprised that i havent really gotten depressed yet since moving back to Massachusetts. im still waiting for it to happen.
19. someday i WILL live in london. thats the first place i ever wanted to travel to when i realized that travelling was possible.
20. sometimes i really believe that i was alive during the jazz age (1920s/30s) and the age of free love (1960s/70s).
21. ive never been early for anything in my life.
22. i have a darker side that people dont really know about because it generally only comes when im alone. danielle and kelly are probably the only people who have seen any bit of it. and maybe my mom.
23. im not "talented". i cannot sing, dance, write, play music, draw/paint, etc. but i have a great appreciation for all those things and i envy people who can do even one of those. (i am learning to act though i plan on learning a couple of instruments.)
24. i have a tendency to become slightly obsessive about certain tv shows or actors, but i am not fanatical. about anything.
25. "There’s just very few people who I think are worth the time. Like, I don’t like talking on the phone. I can’t really maintain relationships with people who don’t want to come hang out with me. I don’t know, I don’t really see the point most of the time." -this is a quote by rob pattinson (one of the subjects of my obsessions) and i have to say, i feel the exact same way (but with a few exceptions i suppose).

Happy Birthday Darling!

Today i am commemorating the birth of my best friend! Unfortunately we both had to spend the first half of the day in classes. But tonight, its Olive Garden and alcohol! Bring on the booze!

(i am on the right.)

(just a side note: i am not a "partier" and though i drink occasionally, i never get wasted.)



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